One thing I have found so empowering and has given my life meaning, was to actually start building my life. How much of our lives we can really "build" ourselves as a child is questionable, but I do believe that growing up with my mother being sick and living away from home most of the time kind of held me back. Her dying was in a way a new beginning. I had a chance to start my life.
One part of it was definitely just the "growing up" that everybody goes through. Most of the time since she died I spent being a teenager. One really meaningful thing I did for myself though, was to travel to Africa for three months after I had finished School & before moving on to uni and work. Yes, a lot of people do that, but to me it meant so much, because I had decided to pay for the trip with some of the money I had inherited from my mother and in a way, it marked the beginning of a new chapter for me. A chapter where I left my comfort zone and started exploring and creating my own special path. At first I used to say, that I was using the money to go and live because she couldn't, but after a while, I corrected myself - I wasn't doing this for her, I was doing it for myself. "I" hadn't lived, and it was time that I did!
I started actively organizing the trip in January 2017. Maybe 2 months before that I had learnt about a small charitable foundation in Tanzania where family friends of ours where very active. I was immediately hooked and knew it was something I needed to follow-up on. They helped me get in contact with the local team and before I knew it, I was on a plane down to Africa, ALONE, for 3 months on October 1st.
Making that decision and following an inspiration was so powerful. The "lesson" behind that story for me, was to find things that I can look forward to, things that bring meaning to my life and things that contribute to MY life. There's a book called "The Book of Joy", where an author shares the result of a multi-day interview between His Holiness Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. It's about finding joy and also how many barriers we have/create ourselves. A friend who suffered a loss herself gave me this book as a present. It's really worth a read, there are lots of good quotes in there. One part in the chapter about grief goes as follows:
The way through sadness and grief that comes from great loss is to use it as motivation and to generate a deeper sense of purpose... If the one you have lost could see you, and you are determined and full of hope, they would be happy. - Dalai Lama
The trip to Africa is only one example of what I have done to try and create a life for myself that means something and my mother would be so happy to see me do. I have done many things to build my life and follow my inspiration since - one of which and the most recent one is this blog. In a way, it does give me a sense of purpose. I feel like, or more accurately "hope", that I can reach someone and help them with my story. I am writing this blog after nearly 10 years of processing, which I find is a nice place to be. I can write without being consumed by grief as we often are in the early days. We will never stop missing and grieving for the person we lost, but we do develop a different perspective on it. I can reflect now.
In all this, I do want to mention that the above sounds a bit "too easy", I know. Whilst writing this, I am actually reminding myself of all the things I have done and achieved. It's soooooo easy to get lost in what is not going well and I am actually laughing at myself a little, as I realize how I am giving better advice than what is usually in my thoughts. I should reflect on my achievements more and be proud of myself. Really "see" all the good things and let myself reach goals rather than get consumed in all the "hard and negative". Actually let myself build something big!
As a final note - give yourself time. You have no pressure. I've actively been at this for a few years and I am nowhere close to "done". You have a lifetime to build your life. Every step of it means something - traveling, personal development, getting a job, starting/finishing university, starting a business or doing that thing we are scared of. The list is endless.
Go and start "somewhere".
XOXO
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