Usually when we speak about loss, we automatically think of the times after someone has died. In some cases though, we experience the loss of the person before they have actually gone. I can imagine that some people feel the same sort of thing if a parent travels a lot for work or leaves after a visit when the parents have split up.
I went through loss throughout my entire childhood. Over and over again. I would come back from summer camp and expect my mother to be picking me up from the railway station as she had returned home from the clinic before I had left. But then, every single time, every year, it would be my father standing there. And when I asked where my mother was, he'd say that she had returned to the clinic.
On other occasions, I'd be sitting on the sofa in the living room, minding my own business, as my father would come around the corner and tell me that he's going to go out and bring my mother back to the clinic - she'd only just returned home the day before.
I am trying to remember more of these occasions as I am writing this post, but I don't really have that many memories. Most of the time she wasn't there. She was not present in our lives. On a day to day basis it was normal to not have her around. There must be many more times which I just can't remember. I was too young and memories fade. I wish I had letters or something explaining how little me used to feel and what I used to think.
When my mother was home though, I remember feeling SOOOO excited. There's a path leading over a hill that is visible from our terrace at home. My mother used to use it when walking from the clinic to our house. My brother and I used to stand out on the terrace, waiting to see her pop around the corner on the top of the hill. I can also remember, on some nights, she and my father would surprise us for dinner. On occasions she would be allowed to leave the clinic and come and have dinner with us. My brother and I would open the front door returning from school as if it was a normal evening, walk into the living room and see her sitting at the dining table with my father. We used to run up to her shouting "Mummyyyyy!" and give her a big hug. Those moments used to make me so happy.
In some ways it makes me more sad thinking back to those moments than the thought that she isn't here right now. It's sad thinking back to the difficult moments, and at the same time I miss those happy moments. I also feel sad, because I don't have a lot of memories to think back to and try and remember. These days I do still have (and always will have) very difficult days or periods, but in general it's just normal to me. I have built my life around the fact that she isn't here. I often don't even think about the it. I have so many other aspects of my live which are a lot more present.
XOXO
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