The other day, lying in my bed, I had just closed my eyes, I suddenly Imagined my mother being alive. I imagined her walking around our kitchen in direction of my fathers (their) bedroom. That's it, just that snippet of a visualization. It was a bit like a shadow sweeping by and disappearing. It made me tear up a bit. I'm not entirely sure why. I snapped out of it really quickly too. Don't even remember if there was something specific that triggered it.
In that very short moment of imagining her still being alive, I somehow couldn't imagine it. It was weird really, felt wrong in a way. It was confusing. It wasn't right. I suppose it isn't right, it's not how things were meant to be. She's not meant to be here, to be alive.
Of course the thought goes through my head on occasions what our lives would be like if she was still alive. I would give anything for that to be true or to have the chance to actually get to know her and talk to her now. It just feels kind of wrong though - I can't quite explain it.
I spoke to a friend about it, who is a mother herself, and mentioned how I really can't imagine having a mother. I see other mothers, but I don't know what it's like to have one and I most definitely don't know what it is like to live with one. I have no idea, no matter how much I try to imagine or piece things together. It's such a surreal thought which doesn't wan't to settle in my mind.
I also wonder where I would be in my life if I didn't have the same childhood, the same story. I guess, naturally, I would be a different person. Because what you experience shapes you right? I do believe that. One thing a lot of my friends appreciate in me is how I see things and my perspective or how I react to their difficult circumstances. They appreciate how I seem to understand difficult things, how I don't over dramatize things where others might.
Would I struggle less if I didn't have to grow up with my mother being away, sick and committing suicide? Probably, but I have no idea. Life isn't easy. But then another friend who has had a really difficult time just confirmed to me that she also feels like she is in a constant struggle. It just never stops. I try so hard, but keep hitting a wall. Would that really be different though or is that just who I am? I don't know.
I'm finding it quite hard to write this post too, my thoughts don't really flow. I somehow have lots to say, but at the same time nothing.
I am sitting in my bed right now, trying not to cry. I looked out of the window trying to get some inspiration/form some kind of thoughts on the matter. It's dark outside, can just see a few lights on the other side of the lake. I am trying to imagine my mother sitting here with me or lying at the end of my bed or coming into my room and sitting next to me on the bed. There are so many options. What makes me sad though (I think) is that I have no idea what she would do. I have no idea if she would sit down, lie down, none of the above. I know what my father would probably do. And I have absolutely no idea what she would say. I have no idea whatsoever.
XOXO
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