This is actually something that I have felt quite strongly in the past two years. I don't know if it is something that we all feel when we start growing up and are desperately trying to find out who we are or where our paths are taking us. All I know, is that the world seems to become a lonelier and lonelier place as time moves on.
As the older child, I have always had a sense of responsibility and also a sense of having to deal with things alone, being alone. I can't put more worry on my fathers shoulders and I have to be a good role model for my brother. We also never really talked about my mother. The three of us just dealt with the situation on our own, in our own ways. In some ways it made us stronger, but in others it created a barrier. A barrier where it is now very weird and feels uncomfortable to talk with them about anything emotional. The sad thing about that is, that they are really the closest people I have that might understand what I am feeling. We have other family of course, but we were the closest to it all. we where living just a 15min walk away from the clinic where my mother used to spend most of her time.
I don't have any friends who experienced the same as I have and that is a really lonely place to be. My friends are great and would always listen, but I just also know that they have no idea. No idea what it feels like and no idea what to say. I don't judge them for that, how could they know?
I find myself distancing myself from friends that I used to have. Maybe it's easier to try and find out who we are when we spend our time with people who don't know the full picture. Who don't know who we used to be. When I tell people about my story now, about my mother, I find that they react differently. I hear a lot more about what other people have experienced and they often mention that they don't share that with others. Also I think I have changed. I react differently to things and conversations. And of course, some people don't know. They don't have to know.
At least for me, I think the time has come, where I have to strip everything to the core and re-think. I am really starting to build who I am. It's a mess. It's a HUGE mess. But that's how it goes right - When you declutter your home, it looks A LOT worse before it looks better. And whilst I am doing that for myself, I am also looking deeper into my mothers story, in my story.
It's a perfect timing really, this 2020 (as much as we are all hating this year...) 2021 will be the year of the big 10. 10 years since she died. I know how I reacted to 9 years, but 10 is scary. We'll see how this journey evolves.
XOXO
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