I wrote a post on imagining that my mother was still alive. I came to the realization that it feels wrong somehow - after all, she is not meant to be alive. I also mentioned that one thing that makes me sad, is the fact that I don't know her.
I've been thinking about this more and more recently. I have no idea who she was. I was too young to have meaningful conversations with her. If I did, I most probably forgot about them and most importantly, she wasn't really there much. We didn't have a lot of opportunities to talk. It does make me really sad. I can only base my knowledge on a few snippets of things that I can remember or what people tell me about her. I wish I could have a conversation with her now that I am older. Now that I could remember and also am at a point in life where there are big life questions I'd want to talk to her about. I wish I could know what she would say, what she would tell me.
My grandmother (her mother) has been sending me photos of her from albums she has been looking through. She usually sends me a little story/background to them too which is nice. I am thinking of creating a photo book in time for the 10th anniversary of her death this year. That's why my grandmother is sending the images, but it has also brought these thoughts out more I think. That I have no idea who she was.
Recently I went to Grindelwald with a few friends and we managed to find a youth hostel where my grandparents, my mother and her brothers stayed at in 1974! There was a little cabin in the woods just up the hill from the main building. I meant so much to be there and was rather touching/emotional. I was in a very spot where she would have been herself as a child. I called my grandmother from there too and had a chat on the phone. She was so happy that I was able to find it. That added to the emotion. It made me really happy and sad at the same time.
This is definitely a thought I will be exploring more this year and in the future in general. It just feels like one of those thoughts that needs some time to develop before it can be processed.
Do you have a way special way of remembering someone you lost?
XOXO
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