It's hard to try and think back, remember what we were thinking or feeling when we were younger. Sometimes even how we really felt just a few months or weeks ago. Things change, we change. One thing I do strongly remember from my childhood though, is how much I believed that my mother would be healed one day. One day, she would come home and we could have a normal life. A happy life.
On the day when my father had come to my school and told me that she had gone, I remember just being totally shocked. I was telling myself, practically forcing myself to cry. It was the right thing to do. The thing I was supposed to do in that moment. I didn't realize that in the moment, but really, all I believed in was crushed in that moment. There was no more hope. Nothing more to fight for.
Somehow you have to move on though. We have to find a way to fight and keep going. I was not going to let the disease get the best of us too. I kept telling myself how strong my mother had been and how much stronger we've got to be.
I wrote this in May 2014:
The strength of your soul
Strength isn't in your body
It's in your soul
You are the proof that that is true
Your heart went through the hardest battle
It fought and fought till peace came in
But piece didn't mean you won
It meant that your never ending battle
Came to an end.
Your heart stopped beating
But your soul is still with us
the endless love and happiness inside you
Will never leave
It's too strong to give up
You wouldn't have left
Without leaving some of the treasures of your soul
You left them with your loved ones
The people who kept you going
Those treasures flow in my blood every day
I have never stopped believing
that your soul would save you in the end
But it couldn't
The other side was just too strong
I still haven't stopped fighting
Because to keep those fragile treasures in my soul
I have to stay strong
To finally end the battle flowing in our blood.
It's interesting going through my book and reading all these things that I wrote in the past. Sometimes I get confused and think "did I really think that?", "are you sure you felt that way?" and sometimes it's good to look back and see some of the hope we still had and kind of lost over the years when more battles joined us on our paths. It can help us process what we are going through when we can look back on things - because if we don't somehow document what we are and were feeling, most of it will just get lost or we will remember it in a different way because we are looking at it from a different perspective.
Do you document how you are feeling? Do you find it necessary?
XOXO
コメント